This is a reader submitted guest post.
Dear John C. Core,
You appear to be suffering from an identity crisis, so being the helpful person I am, I thought I’d sit down and see if I could be of service in helping set you straight. Some of my friends say you’re lonely, you need help, that your figure is a mess and your pride is in the tank. You poor thing. Well, bless your heart, let’s see what we can do about you. My mama raised me right & I tell it like it is, so if I hurt your feelings, I do so apologize, but I am just tryin’ to be of help. Besides, as a useful member of society it is my moral duty to do the right thing. In your case a dose of honesty is the right & proper thing. Since nobody has taken you to task, it is high time you get taken to the woodshed.
First, it isn’t your fault if you find your standards are lacking, after all, it is our parents who set the standards we are raised by & as such, adhere to, so if your ‘parents’ didn’t raise you right. It isn’t you, it’s their fault… ALL their fault. Since you can’t divorce your parents, I guess you’ll need to find someone else to help you work on your standards and become a better person. I would suggest a well qualified team of experts and concerned folks to help you out. Call me, I can arrange an introduction.
Secondly, I’ve seen some of your friends want to break up with you. How sad. No one likes to get dumped. However, to have friends, you need to be a friend. Trust me when I say that you have some serious inner issues to work on before you can be anyone’s true friend. I’ve heard you scare the little ones & even have them yung’uns cryin’. Wow, you ARE mean cuss, aren’t you? Well, that’s nothing that can’t be set straight. I have a therapist who can help you re-adjust your attitude. If you like, he’s my cousin, so we can get you a discount rate on multiple sessions. I think you’ll need to have the office number on speed dial.
Oh my stars, you did what with whom?! John, your behavior on all things of a sexual nature are just… well, they are just too much too soon, especially when youngsters are concerned. What are you, a pervert? We have special places for folks like this – it’s called the county jail! John, you really MUST talk to a doctor. As any fine upstanding member of any community, you simply must practice discreetness when it comes to things of an intimate nature.
And what is this I hear about you starting fights with the parents?! Son, don’t you know nothin’?! One simply doesn’t go around startin’ fights. I understand you like things certain ways, we all do; However, we cannot go around in life, bulldozing others so we can control everyone else. It’s just not a gentlemen-like thing to do. I must say, your parents certainly did NOT give you a proper start in life.
Now I don’t know where you learned to count, but sweetie pie, the way you are down at the school-house trying to school everyone else is an out & out disaster. Well, let’s just say it – it makes as much sense as a screen door on a submarine. John! You really must get help and quickly!
Did you ever consider you are judged by the company you keep, John? Seriously, hanging out with the wrong crowd gives the wrong image. Someone needs to go through your phone and delete all your corporate crony buddies. Break away & start clean. That works for everyone wanting to start a-new. I really must say, if you hung around the right folks, you’ve even discovered you have certain boundaries of decent and just behavior to stay within. Nobody likes a law-breaker, John, wise up!
John, oh John… who told you it was okay to be experimentin’ with things you don’t know nothin’ about? You are not thinkin’ straight. The way you been acting reminds me of a commercial I used to see on TV, it was for “Life” cereal. Two little boys wanted to try something & were scared to death, so they got Mikey to try it, ’cause he’d try anything. John, you need to get the facts & stop messin’ in stuff you don’t know nothin’ about!
Lastly, John, your reputation is an utter and complete train wreck. Why, nobody around here can pick up a newspaper, go down to the store or even turn on the TV that you are not there & being talked about – really disgraceful in every sense of all that is good, true, right and respectable. Stop being a glory hog, son! Get a life, you sure do need one.
Well, John, I’ve said all I can say and still be considered fine & upstandin’. I’ll simmer down at some point. I am a-feared you are a bit hopeless, however. I do wish you well, but in all honesty John, I think you should leave town. Leave these good folks alone & let ’em get back to a life that makes sense for them, not you. Leave well enough alone.
Fed up in General